hello mao mao.. yeah.. i was alone and i flip through things and saw the history of what they wrote.. yeah.. again my heart is just like somebody uses knife and cut through..bleeding bleeding.. ya.. seeing yr love one say those words to others is really heart break. if ya din experience it, u wun know how is it feel like..in the past, they even discuss abt going to each other house? hmm... i duno how should i react? ya.. its all over as a lot of gd frens told me.. but i really dunno if im able to trust him again . im really afraid of falling.. from young till now.. im real real scared...

i dun wish to quarrel with him over this cause he will say its over already.. yes i know its over. but how am i suppose to know that history will not repeat again? lost and confused..i know i should not say all these.. but at times i think. was it a very wrong mistake at first to be together? maybe we are too young then.. maybe we are unsure of our feelings.. maybe we dun even know what does Love really really meant?

I dunno if i had make the right decision to forgive him? some say yes some say no.. frankly speaking.. yes.. i want him to have a severe punishment.. some may say im cruel.. yes.. im cruel over and over again.. cause im always the one being hurt and im always the one being cheated? why? im not good enough, yes i know. but i thought when two pple are together, they are to like each other flaws? i dunno. i knew all the while i try to please him.. brought him games ,clothes.. give him ear piece etc.. i know.. i get angry easily, but does that give one enough reasons to do wrong?

who should i blame them? fate? myself? i find this a really tough question that i dun have answer for it..i know he will read this post.. but i really need to write it out to release my annoy..

this time,dun give me promises , assurance, even commitment. im afraid to hold them.. from here i learnt to be strong, be independent. i dun wish to rely on others anymore. i lost trust in humans. especially some one i fall in love with... i had invested too many feelings and time.. now its time to think differently..
im not going to be the past lijuan to love you more than myself.
i wanna love myself even more this time round.

although we are still together, i have to say that.. i have pull out some of the feelings in it.. i dun wan to be planted too deep and could not plug it out again..

pple, wish me good luck..